September 25, 2017
“Grow through what you go through.”
“This is happening to you for a reason. There is a greater purpose here.”
“Sunshine comes to all those who feel the rain.”
“You’ve survived 100 percent of your worst days.”
“The comeback is always stronger than the setback.”
How many times have you heard something similar? Some feel good, “have faith and keep hope” quote or mantra to somehow make every bad experience somehow meaningful?
How many times have you told yourself these things? Positive internal talk. Hope. Faith… only to be followed by disappointment after disappointment.
I’ve heard it. I’ve said it to myself. And I’m not saying it’s wrong to have hope or faith or to hold on to the belief that things will always be able to get better, that there is a purpose to the madness.
I thrive on positivity and resiliency.
But today, I’m bitter. I’m angry. I don’t want any feel good lines shoved in my face.
Chronic illness blows. Multiple types of chronic illness blows even more. Ulcerative colitis. Arthritis. Bipolar disorder. Multiple medications with intolerable side effects. Dozens of doctor appointments and lab work. Surgeries and loads of medical debt.
And I’m not the only one. I talk to so many people in similar situations. We are everywhere.
But you wouldn’t know. We look “normal.” We’re young. We have families and careers. We’re doing the best we can and life keeps knocking us down.
Don’t coddle me with sweet nothings.
Put yourself in my shoes.
Commiserate in my pity party once in awhile.
And if you can’t do that, give me my space.
Chronic illness brings a rollercoaster of emotions and I can’t keep shoving them down.
I have to have the space to just let it out.
And for goodness sake, don’t take it personal. You’re awesome. The fact that you even still want to be associated with a mess like me is proof enough that you care.
I’ll come full circle into acceptance and be ready for the hope, the light, and the positivity.
But first I have to let it out.